Dear Kosi, happy birthday. You made it to see 28. To be honest, you wasn’t sure if you were going l to make it. You did. So what now?

“I’ve been your therapist for some time and I’m just seeing a pattern. From my notes, it looks like you’re out of your major depressive episode but there’s something else. I’m like there’s times when you seem so motivated and then you hit a wall. I had to go back to my old psychology books for this and revisit Bipolar II Disorder.”

I haven’ cried in therapy in a while. This session that I had during my birthday week, I cried the whole time. Just hearing the word “bipolar” sent

me immediately into tears. A silent cry of devastation and humiliation.

“Kosi, you know I wouldn’t bring this to you without extensive research and thought. I also want to get a second opinion and do a proper evaluation because I’m not 100% sure since your hypomania is mild but I’m saying this to help you. Maybe if you operated with this in mind, you won’t be so hard on yourself when you can’t get what you want done. You been through a lot this year and I just want to help.”

Bipolar II disorder? Does this mean when I feel confident, sexy and creative that this is a part of a mental illness? Main character energy is hypomania? That doesn’t mean I’m getting out of depression? What is actually me? But no for real, who am I?

“Your physical and mental health is a priority for you which is good. I want you to download this app called Bipolar Mood Tracker to track your moods. I also want you to do your own research about bipolar II disorder and bring your questions to our next session.”

The majority of my family have some variant of bipolar disorder so I shouldn’t be surprised, but I was. I never thought anyone with this mental illness was “crazy” but at that moment, I thought I was. I’m very hard on myself. I just thought, “who would love me with this? Who would want me with this?”

However, I’m not going to be a victim to it…

I’m going to try to use this as a manual to live an even healthier lifestyle than I already do. I really want to give up alcohol all together or at least stop drinking to get drunk, because the hangover depression is not for me. I really want to form a healthy community in LA, because I’m realizing I can’t be alone forever. I’m terrified of trusting people out here. Terrified. I spent months alone this year. Just work, home and the gym from January until June. And when someone is being kind to me, I panic. Full on inner panic mode. I don’t know how to take kindness, but I’m trying my best to receive it and trust that it has no ulterior motive. Because, I deserve it. I’m going to be out here until I get my footing in the indie film market, so I have to make more friends. I have to start…somewhere.

I spent my 28th birthday alone on purpose. And, I was sad. I didn’t know how I was going to feel so I didn’t want to be sad around anyone, bringing their mood down. I was okay with being alone. It was better than last year so…progress? I woke up on my birthday immediately transcended back to my sexual assault. I felt worthless and shameful again and cried to my mom. I’m not sure if that was a good idea to cry to her, because our relationship is still fresh. She did her best to be there, and I love her for that. It’s just hard to be that vulnerable with her but I’m trying.

The year, 28, feels optimistic though. Though 27 was tragic, I learned a lot. Theres a lot to learn going through sexual assaults, homelessness, hostile living and work environments, rehoming my dog and paternal family abandonment. There’s also joy when you get through it.

God has carried me. Our relationship is better than ever before and with God, I know I can do this. I know with God and hard work, I can push pass this and bring my writing to the world. This is my purpose for living.