I took some time away from my blog to heal a bit more. I felt like it was becoming a very dark space because I was in a dark space. However, I’m stepping a bit more into the light each and every day.

Once I realized in January that I was 100% sexual assaulted, it affects my life in a different ways. One of the most frustrating ways is my ability to be social. I don’t have social anxiety. I repeat I do NOT have social anxiety. But, knowing someone was watching how drunk I was and took advantage of me..twice..is very disturbing. Therefore, it’s created a hyper vigilance when I go out to social events. I’m paranoid. I’m paranoid af. But I don’t show it.

It was Juneteenth weekend and I really wanted to have fun again. I missed going out and dancing, full out vibing to the music. I went to trap poetry on Friday completely sober. Been there a couple times. Feeds my creative side but sober? Wild lol everyone around me was drunk af. It was so weird to be there with not a lick of alcohol. Plus, I went by myself but I saw a couple people I knew. Still, it was chill. Now Saturday, that was interesting lol

I asked this girl I used to date if she was going out because she always has a poppin move. She told me about this block party that a DJ was throwing. I’ve been knowing about these parties for about a year now. She always wanted me to come with her but I was either working or out of town. But, this time I wasn’t. I said fuck it. Bought the $50 ticket to go. Then, last minute she said her girlfriend was tagging along. Awkward lol. Not that I was still interested in her because I 100% wasn’t. It was still awkward being a third wheel in that situation. I knew I had to go by myself.

This was a big step for me. Not only is this the second time I’m going out since being depressed all year, I’m going by myself. No friends to bounce off of. I have to completely be in my own energy the whole time. I prayed. I prayed for confidence, safety, and reassurance. I didn’t want to stay home, so I needed God to be with me.

I got there, and it felt like a whole vibe. I was dancing, chilling with the DJ. Then boom, I saw my old assistant manager from TGS. Well, she saw me. I was completely into Virgo’s Groove by Beyonce that I didn’t realize she was literally right in front of me. To my surprise, she was happy to see me. If you’re happy to see me, I’m happy to see you. Simple. Gave her a hug and went back to dancing. Looked around and saw another manager who I knew wasn’t fond of me bc she’s friends with line cooks I got into with so I kept it pushing. But then I thought to myself, I’m going to see more of them. Anxiety crept back in.

“I need a fucking drink.”

I went to the bar and got a Hennessy and tequila drink. Then, boom. I saw more. The look on my ex-coworker’s face was filled with such disgust, I couldn’t even believe it. You would have thought I personally offended him when I did nothing to him at all lol but he’s friends with my perpetrator.

“Oh Lord here we go.”

I see him whispering to my old restaurant manager and they’re just looking dead at me. The more he talks to him, the more my manager’s face looks disappointed. I don’t know what they’re saying but I can only guess its along the lines of:

“She tried to break up their marriage then accused her of rape because she didn’t get what she want blah blah blah”

Yes, I said her. It was woman. I was sexually assaulted by a woman which makes it even more vile and disgusting. I didn’t want to reveal the gender due to shame. I literally have been sick to my stomach with pride month, my own sexuality, everyone. It puts a pain in my heart that I didn’t know it could exist. I can’t trust anyone to leave my drunk body alone twice. Even a woman? Wild. Disgusting. Her face literally disgusts me. And to lie to even bag me in the first place on some “I’m in an open marriage. My wife approved you.” Okay cool I’m chillin. Going with flow with not only her but everyone I was casually seeing. Then I got raped but made to believe I asked for it. Then her wife “took away approval because she was jealous” when she didn’t know at all and I didn’t even know that until January. Tried to make me feel (and everyone else) that I was just as toxic as her when I was nothing like her. I just made a mistake because I was in a fucking trauma bond. Instead of reporting, I looked to my abuser for comfort and power to get sexually assaulted again. Fucking weirdo. It takes everything in my power not to hate her and she made people think EYE was the one that wanted HER. (The real ones who know the both of us know better and they’re some real ones out there) Bitch you better be joking. It ain’t safe for you at all (joking….well…)

Let me pray…

But a lot of people at that job don’t like me because of rumors that I didn’t clear up then me opening up at about that. They probably think I’m crazy. I’m a little crazy. We all are. But not THAT crazy. So it is what it is. No one there knows me even Judas. My perpetuator is well-loved because she is fake af lol she admits that she puts on a mask but if you’re around her a lot, it comes off. She would talk shit or be very creepy. I remember she asked me if the lead line cooks were trying to have a threesome with me and that’s why shit went left between us. Like huh? I think they found me attractive (and vice versa) but a threesome? Where did you get that lol or she would call this girl Nikki Parker (apparently she was self-proclaimed but idk I can’t trust her) and said she feels like Professor Oglevee around her. Then when I called her out for making fun of her because her wife is plus-sized, she would get offended. I mean you’re throwing rocks from a glass house, but that’s my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, she has a lot of amazing qualities that I eventually loved. However, not a lot of people knew this side, expect Judas, but I didn’t realize how dark his mind was too so they’re a matchmake in heaven lol me? Nah I refuse to be that dark. I might make mistakes, but I take full accountability and change for the better.

Back to the block party, the whole night was just full of stares. It was weird. Was I supposed to kill myself or something? Was I not supposed to be a LA citizen and go to public events? I can understand if I was at an event at TGS which I will never be because even seeing that place on social media gives me so much fucking anxiety. But, I’m not. So why are the majority of you giving me death stares? And to not say anything to my face, weird. Just go have fun. I’m not saying no one was dancing in that group. I’m not saying all of them were giving me the side eye. That wouldn’t be true. But it was enough for me to notice the whole night and feel uncomfortable. Because, shit. I was the one that got sexually assaulted by your “fave.” I refuse to live in victim mentality but that’s the truth. So now that I’m not drunk everyday, taking care of my body and health, trying to find healing, taking accountability for my mistakes but forgiving myself, in therapy, I’m going to have fun.

I danced my ass off. The music was so-so but I danced. Danced to the point of sweating. Saw the group of people dancing in the front and fed off their energy. Just a bunch of black people wanting to have fun. So, I’m going to have fun. On or off beat, don’t matter to me. This athleticism is not going to waste. I’ve been in the gym going hard recently. I got Megan Thee Stallion knees and I’m going to use them.

That night, I felt like I had my light again. But this time it wasn’t given by alcohol, it was given by God. It was an inner spirit that I didn’t know I had.

I walked to the bathroom to wipe the sweat off. Straight to the mirror. I knew there were two black girls next to me talking but I didn’t look to see who it was. All I hear is, “you look good.” At first, I thought she was talking to her friend. But then I realized she was talking to me. Saw who it was. It was the lead line cook that I got into the argument with that lead to the HR dispute and me quitting TGS. I said, “thank you.” Honestly, I didn’t know what to say or think. I’m not angry with her at all. Am I hurt? I’m not sure. I’ve just moved on with my life and shelved it. I feel like I could have handled the situation better and not yelled at her but she would pick on me here and there.

Call me messy when I was being honest with her. Said I was the worst server when I wasn’t taking the job as seriously as her. So when I went off that day, I was tired. I was tipsy but I was also just fucking tired. Also, it was strange because she would flirt with me here and there. So, I would think, where is the animosity coming from because the day we got into an argument, I gave her a pick up hug? Was she mad at me for something? Sometimes, I feel like my private conversation with HR got leaked when I was flushing through these thoughts.

Touched her wrist and said, “You look good too.” I could tell she was immediately uncomfortable with me touching her wrist. I felt like I fucked up with that but it was an innocent gesture. Looking back, idk if she thought I was going to hit her or something idk. She seemed a bit anxious. Like I said, idk. It’s just something I think about.

She continues to ask if I was happy or something along those lines. Positive lines. Nothing negative. And I just shook my head, yeah. Am I happy? I’m happier than I was at TGS for sure. I’m just living with PTSD right now. Just gotta work thru it. But I didn’t say all that, just shook my head “yes”

More positive one-sided talk, then she walked out. I don’t know what to think about that conversation because we really didn’t have a conversation. It was one-sided. I’m just glad it wasn’t hateful or negative. I guess there’s nothing to clear up because we’re not going to be friends anyway so I’m okay with it. Life moves on and I have too.

The other lead line cook? He was giving me the death stare throughout the night. It was kinda funny not gonna lie. Because like why? Why don’t you just say something? I actually texted him back in February asking him superficial questions about Instagram. It probably seemed pointless but at the time, I was seeing a lot of pictures of my perp on social media and I wanted to clear up anyone I KNEW wasn’t fucking with me. He was one of them. In my opinion, that was the time for him to say how he felt. He didn’t. So why are you looking at me crazy now? I guess everyone has their way of coping but I don’t understand staring and not speaking. I didn’t recognize him the first time he did it lso I looked at him wild but it was an accident. I moved on.

And then there was the perpetuators best friend, my general manger at TGS. In my opinion, she seemed anxious around me. I noticed at the end of the night, I was talking to this group of guys, and she was walking really really fucking fast to her car. She also seemed kinda hidden like completely off to the side on the dance floor. I’m not sure if she thought I was going to confront her. But, I wasn’t. When I reported my assault to TGS, she was tagged in the email. I purposely tagged her because honestly, I wanted to make sure she didn’t do it to someone else. A bit of accountability. In that email was one of our conversations that I gave to the LAPD. The GM read the message of me explicit saying (paraphrasing) I don’t remember having sex and to STOP bringing that night up because I told her over and over again I don’t remember it. It was like the perp purposely kept trying to bring it up to force me to believe I was begging for it. The GM read it. I’ve sent that message to a couple people I trust to get their feedback. There is no way in hell you can say I wasn’t assaulted by just pure definition. But, the GM allowed for zero consequences because that’s her best friend. And that’s life. What am I going to do? Be mad at her? I could. But white men do it all the time. They cover up for their weirdo ass friends. How am I going to be mad that a marginalized person, a black queer masc woman, did that? Like I said, I could. But that would be a complete waste of my time. If I ever came out publicly with names (like I was offered to do), she might lose her job. That wasn’t my goal. I might be deeply wounded, but I’m not heartless.

With all the negative energy, I still had fun. I still met new people. I still had ENDLESS people tell me how good I looked and how beautiful my energy was. A major confident boost that I needed.

Too bad, it didn’t last the whole weekend. Monday at the Juneteenth Leimert Park Festival, I felt a bit insecure again. Saw a couple people from TGS and just assumed they didn’t like me due to all the negative energy I received on Saturday. I ended up texting that co-worker because she saw all the manipulation the perpetrator was doing and warned me but called me out for still seeing her. She never knew about the assaults but I just wanted to thank her. When Judas gaslighted tf out of me and made me believe I said things that I never said like I “wanted” her, I would remember our conversations to not think I’m going crazy. It was a relief to my mental health. I just wanted to extend gratitude. During that conversation, I found out she didn’t hate me like the other and didn’t share their perspective. I guess it was a relief that I was in my head on Monday. But, it was also a reminder I have a lot of work to do.

Some days, I look at the video of me bull riding with my TGS coworkers at Saddle Ranch and miss THAT girl. I miss THAT sense of carefreeness and sense of complete confidence. In that moment, I was a performer. I was the main character. I was THAT girl.

I feel like THAT girl but it’s in waves. It’s not as consistent. When someone violates your body, you feel worthless. You feel like your body was used a vehicle of selfish sex. You feel like your mind isn’t good enough to fully know. You feel like shit. And the amount of manipulation she did after that. The amount of mind games. I feel like I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust myself to make friends. I feel stupid for not seeing the signs.

I know I can never be HER again because she lives in the past. But, I still feel sorry for her. Sometimes, I want to blame the perpetuator for not being HER again but I refuse. I refuse to give someone that much power that I’m consistently in victim mode. And the darkness was always in me. I was in a low place when she pursued me. It just got lower with her actions.

God will help me out with being HER but better than ever before. Until then, I’m proud of how far I’ve gotten in a short time. I’m proud of me.