“He-he-oh” “He-he-oh”

In my mind, “Am I about to give birth or something?” Lol

As I lay down in my first breath work mediation and sound bath, I never thought just breathing was going to take my pain away. I never understood mediation and how it works. This was the first time I did.

“He-he-oh” “Now massage your ears,” the instructor says.

“Oh shit not the fucking tears,” I think to myself.

“Now massage your neck…now shoulders”

“Okay I guess I’m just going to have to cry…”

Tears just flowed down my cheeks like a river stream, quietly and never ceasing for the whole 90 mins. Something was happening inside me that I couldn’t explain.

The day before, I found myself waking up from a drunk nap, shaking. Yes, shaking. Since alcohol has a lot of calories, I tend to drink and not eat. Especially when I’m self-soothing with it which I haven’t done since January.

I proceeded to drop down to my knees and cry to God, “I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t let people or life get me to this point. I don’t want to be angry anymore.”

At that moment I could either go back to the liquor store and not feel my feelings OR do the worst: feel my feelings.

I put on the gospel playlist my aunt sent me, and I just cried. It was probably the most painful cry I ever had. Not kidding. It was coming from my chest, my gut, my soul. The whole week I wanted to jump from my 5th floor window and just end it. I didn’t want to be here anymore. Going through severe trauma with no family physically present has been hell. It hasn’t been easy. And worse, I’ve been isolating to not be that “sad friend.” I realized that week because I drank so much, I experienced high highs and very low lows.

I wish I had more true friends here to share the pain with, because it’s just been heavy. I have a couple, but I don’t want to overwhelm them. Then I remembered, I always have God.

“Please God just take this all from me. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the good memories, the panic attacks. I don’t want it anymore.”

I feel like I had a breakthrough moment.

The next day at the sound bath, I felt the weight of my present pain being slightly lifted. I didn’t realize how much trauma we store in our physical body. For the first time all year, my body felt calmer. I felt like I could finally sleep.

I don’t want this blog to be all sad or angry. I really don’t. The love I had for the perpetuator was real. So when I got reminded by Judas how I used to feel, it made me seriously doubt myself, my reality, and my intention. His gaslighting and lies distorted my perception. “Wanted them for me? I never wanted them but I did love them so maybe I’m doing this because I’m jealous?” “Wait no, jealous of what? lol I never wanted them and never said that. They’re a pathological liar. I always wanted the connection we had but with someone else.” I had to combat every thought. Chile, it was exhausting. His manipulation almost worked. Oh and pair that with a beautiful nightmare I had of the perp and I on good terms. I woke up STRESSED. Sweating. Crying. Stomach a MESS.

I didn’t want to think about my birthday, because I had to face what happened. I had to face that someone would violate my blacked out body on my own birthday then make me think I asked for it? Falling asleep and everything? Yeah no, that’s crazy. You mean to tell me that I’m already going through a toxic household situation and now I was taken advantage of? Nope. We not feeling that. Oh look I’m hated at this job, and they’re liked. No one would believe THAT. But, oh look a sweet message. Oh look a gift. Oh look…but nah that was craz—but no no lemme drink so I don’t have to feel THAT. Waking up in a hotel without my robe on after I fell asleep..that was weird…but this room was $700 so lemme accept the beautiful gift from a.. beautiful.. person? I don’t have time to think about that or anything else I’m struggling with. I have no job. Then, boom I already love them. They’re always there for me. Always. When no one else is in SoCal. But in January, I found out they lied about everything. They conned their way to even kissing me? Oh nah…so my birthday was…rape? No…wait….fuck

So now that I stopped drinking as much, talked about it with my family and therapist, I’m feeling everything. I have PTSD and social anxiety. Yeah the fearless girl? I walk into an event having to calm down panic attacks now. But those are not ME, so I’m not going to claim that for the rest of my life. This is temporary.

So what’s the other side? I have to release the anger. I have to release the pain. I want to be happy. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve happiness, because my presence in their life hurt their spouse. I feel like I deserve rape trauma at times. Not going to lie. I also experience shame from drinking. I feel like I deserved to be taken advantage of. I feel like I didn’t deserve to report it, bc I became a “mistress” in an open marriage. I feel like I don’t deserve to call them a “rapist” when referring to the rape and that not the person. Thats a strong word because they were more than a “rapist” to me at one point. They were someone I truly cared for. I feel dirty and ashamed. I look at the body a lot of people admire and compliment, and I feel disgusted. My body shape is heavily sexualized..ew..I don’t want THIS body. I go through those moments, and I feel like I should be honest about them too. This blog is about being authentic, raw and real.

Everyone has to remind me that they were a predator from the beginning, and I didn’t really have a chance. They never cared or loved me. They assaulted me before I knew their wife didn’t know. That I’m allowed to be blacked out on my own birthday. That I’m allowed to process trauma months even years later. That I’m allowed to share my story. Still, I have shame because I’m an empathetic human. I wish I was a narcissist honestly…eh

I’m going to fight for my happiness. I also want to stop writing about this but eh it affects me everyday. I’m going to do whatever I can I do to move on. I’m going to be a successful writer. Though it’s exhausting and lonely, I’m going to win in the end. (Well, I hope so) My heart is the closest its been to God since I moved to LA. I know God is real. I know God will pull be out of the darkness, and I’ll be a light again.