“Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism like some some kind of congressman?” Taylor Swift

I changed my Instagram bio this week:

“The depressed narcissistic writer. Addicted to tequila and working out”

The English nerd in me is happily cheering for the oxymorons. I love a good literary device. But, let’s dive into this change…

I’ve been going to therapy off and on since 20 when I tried to off myself and was unfortunately unsuccessful. Heavy on the unfortunate. I shouldn’t tap into my dark humor. I really shouldn’t lol it was very traumatic for my family. Still is. If I talk about it with any of them, instant tears.

During my grippy socks vacation, I got diagnosed with chronic depression aka a bitch always sad. I feel like I live my life highly aware that this world is a horrible shit show even though I love who I am. At 27, I still feel the same way. Most days, I don’t want to be here. I say that loud and clear to anyone who talks to me constantly lol I’m holding onto some type of hope that I’m going to eventually live in my purpose. I’m holding onto some type of concern that my family and friends will suffer tremendously if I ever attempt and was fortunately successful. Also, because I was super close to being successful, I know the aftermath of a failed attempt. Chile, that shit ain’t no joke. I had to physically recover, and it wasn’t fun.

Don’t get me wrong. There are seasons in my life where I feel happier than others. Well maybe not seasons. Moments. Glimpses. Usually that comes with the kindness of humanity. I teared up when I saw my bar regular pay for a children nurse’s food and not tell her. Not kidding. I’m going through a stage where I see most humans as forces of the devil. That gave me insight to something more.

I say all this to say, I’m still diagnosed as chronically depressed. My diagnosis has not change. I’ve been back in therapy consistently for 5 months now. I’m honest with my therapist sometimes to the point where I have to give a disclosure that I’m not going to harm myself or others. AKA, I’m real af because I want to get better. I remember saying last week,

“I’m not sure how “Judas” can lie behind my back and say that I wanted the perpetuator and that’s why I put my story out there. He knows I told them to their face I deserve better than you while I was still seeing them. He knooooows this. We all know that I was the prize and who was chasing who. Not tryna be cocky but yeah.”

Lol cringe but that’s how I feel. Waiting for my narcissism…diagnosis…Oh no, still depressed? Okay cool. Yet, the few people who don’t like me consistently say I’m a narcissist.

Whenever I put my feelings first while still recognizing someone else’s, I’m a narcissist. Whenever I defend myself, I’m a narcissist. Whenever I don’t back down, I’m a narcissist. It doesn’t matter how much effort I make trying to be empathic and sympathetic with others. It doesn’t matter the kind things I do. The MOMENT I put up a boundary, I’m a narcissist. How convenient lol

Usually I find the few people who diagnosis me with their fake psychology degrees are very insecure people. I can tell. We all have our insecurities but insecure people LOVE to talk down about others. They will misconstrue your point on purpose to fit their narrative. “I don’t want to date someone who doesn’t workout with me” twisted into “YOU’RE FAT SHAMING ME!” Huh?! Skinny people don’t workout, and I still don’t want to date them. It’s the lifestyle choice I’m looking at not the weight. But hey, if that makes you feel better, go off!

However, I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes, when so much wrong shit is happening in my life, I feel like I’m the problem. I dig deep inside myself to figure out what’s wrong. I’ll straight up ask folks who stick around for the good, bad and the ugly, “Is it me? Am I the problem? Please let me know because I can’t anymore.” And though I have traits that I need to change, everyone usually comes to the conclusion that it’s my environment. It’s the people I’m choosing to trust. I need to slow down and get to know people before giving them my all OR I need to trust my gut intuition about someone and not wait around to let them fool me.

Even though it’s typically people who do NOT know me or spent adequate time with me who diagnosis me, I’m currently choosing to reclaim the term. I kinda like the phrase “the depressed narcissistic writer,” because diagnosed narcissists typically don’t have depression because of their grandiosity. I’m not a narcissist but my blog is about myself, my truth and my experiences. “It’s me, hi. I’m the problem. It’s me!”