When does the transition between sexual assault victim to survivor happen? When one stops victim blaming. When one makes an effort to heal. When one finds their voice.

On August 27th 2022, I was raped on my birthday. But first, let’s talk about the build up. I didn’t really want to celebrate my birthday. I got into a car accident in June while not having insurance. Like, wtf was I thinking! I fell out with my LA roommate in July. Honestly, that was my first platonic heartbreak. So here comes August, depressed, drinking too much on the weekends but soon to be birthday girl craving to let loose all month. Also, after I used someone else’s toothbrush at a woman’s house I was dating (disgusting), I declared I’m going to have a “hoe stage.” Hoe stage to me doesn’t mean fucking around because I can count how many people I’ve slept with till this day. However, I just wanted to be flirty and free, dating around and not getting attached. Thats when the perpetrator (let’s call them Casey and use nonbinary pronouns) caught my eye.

Casey started flirting extra hard and very publicly at work. They were attentive to my every move, studying ways to get my attention. They were smart, funny and a complete sweetheart. Having said that, Casey is in an open marriage. I don’t judge anyone’s relationship but that normally would be a complete turn off. However, since I decided I was going to be in a “hoe stage,” I didn’t rule it out. I didn’t want to be attached to anyone anyway. So before my birthday, we kissed twice. Once at work. Once at off-site training. Each kiss happened during the month of August. Casey said they told their wife about me and their wife was cool with everything. Well, she wasn’t cool with it being a coworker but accepted the situation for what it was. Still, I wasn’t sure I wanted to take it all the way. Kissing is whatever. Sex is personal to me. Also, they weren’t my only work crush.

Let’s fast forward to my birthday. My work bestie convinced me to celebrate and invite the work crew. Actually, I really enjoyed hanging out with my coworkers throughout the same month. So why not?! I’m going through shit but I’m going to celebrate.

I got my hair done. Picked out my dress the day of and even footed the bill for the Continental Club section: two Clase Azul bottles and a section right next to the DJ booth. But, as a bartender, I should know better than to mix tequila with depression and a splash of loneliness. I was taking that Clase Azul to the HEAD. I drank so much so quickly that I blacked out. I don’t remember much but here are some clear things I remembered before blacking:

• That I was upset my work crush wasn’t there
• That I was annoyed at Casey for flirting too much with others at work
• That I was planning on spending the night at my work bestie’s apartment that was walking distance to the club

However, in my blacked out state, I remember briefly kissing Casey in the bathroom. Kissing? I had purple lipstick on. I don’t like to kiss publicly with lipstick. And kissing in a public bathroom? Gross. That doesn’t sound like me…

I remember walking to my bedroom door and asking them if we were alone. It was like my body knew I was in danger and hoping I wasn’t going to be gang raped. I remember waking up to oral sex being performed on me with their eyes looking dead at me. My body felt heavy like someone was holding me to the bed. It felt good, but I thought I was dreaming. I couldn’t find my voice. It didn’t feel real. I didn’t know how I got to this point. Then, boom. I fell back asleep.

I woke up to my best friend in Maryland FaceTiming me, wishing me happy birthday. We were talking about the night before and my plans for brunch today. I hung up. I noticed my underwear was off. I panicked because I remember wearing specific underwear to match my dress. I started looking for them and saw them balled next to me. I started frantically calling people. No one answered. I FaceTimed my best friend right back to talk about what happened. I said: “I think this “person” at my job took me home and gave me head.” Her face was kinda shocked but said “well that’s a good way to bring in your birthday.” I could tell we both felt weird but didn’t want to think the worst. It was my birthday.

I ended up texting Casey. They said they were fulfilling a birthday request and wished me happy birthday. I asked for birthday head? I don’t remember anything. But, that doesn’t sound like me. I asked them, “What was in the Grey Goose cup?” They said, “Water for my fingers. I meant to dump it out lol.” Was I penetrated too? I don’t remember that at all.

Also that morning, my work bestie texted three people in a group chat including Casey, cussing us out for leaving his apartment and not telling him our location. His apartment? I don’t remember going there. Casey immediately responded, “Wait gf she asked me to drop her off at home, don’t be mad she was super lit falling asleep in my car and shit.” My instant reaction: I FELL ASLEEP IN YOUR CAR? How can someone falling asleep be able to consent? But I played it off because I was so confused.

When the alcohol wore off, I ended up cancelling my birthday brunch when I realized everyone was hungover anyway. I wasn’t in the mood either. Later that night, I just laid in my bed and cried. I felt violated, used and confused.

The next day, my work bestie and I talked about me being blacked out. He had no idea. I mentioned the rape. He was shocked and said, “well we don’t think they would do this but Casey keeps saying they had a past. Maybe you should talk to them.” I thought the same thing. I didn’t want this being a “big deal.”

Talking to Casey and not talking to my family first was my biggest regret. I was too ashamed of me drinking so much that I didn’t tell my family or anyone else that attended my birthday. Casey said they didn’t know I was blacked out. They said I asked to go to the bathroom to make out and for birthday head. But they also said, I fell asleep in their car and on my couch. According to them, I had to take a little nap. It didn’t look like I passed out.

I was still confused and uneasy. If I’m falling asleep, why would you think I’m alert enough to have sex? I’ve been told I act functional while being blacked out drunk. But passing out? Never. Engaging in sexual activity? Nope. But, let me give them grace. Their grandma is dying. Even though they said they weren’t really drunk that night, they may not have been thinking right. They blah blah blah….excuses, excuses, excuses..victim blaming to the T….Until it happened again…

Fast forward to November, Casey and I are two peas in a pod. I’m also in the height of my alcohol abuse. I drink everyday to escape what’s going on in my life. I got into a HR dispute that got messy when someone gossiped and lied about it. So, I quit my job. I felt like a whole lot of people were believing the gossip which made me feel weird being there anymore. I tried to stand up for myself. I tried to use my voice this time but didn’t know how to. I was going through a lot professionally and personally. I felt awkward. By this time, their wife contacted me but once again Casey assured me that she knew about me from the beginning. That she was tripping when she saw my IG insinuating that she was jealous of me. And that they are in an open marriage so they can date who they want.

Also, I started to feel like Casey OWES me. You OWE me the wine bottles, the gifts for my dog, the endless amount of mushrooms and weed and the expensive hotels and dinners. You OWE me. And what was worst, I started to love them because they did all that while being attentive to my every need. They checked on me every single morning. They said the sweetest things to me. Essentially, they love bombed me. I developed a trauma bond because they broke down my guard the night they raped me. I thought, “Well we already had sex so why not do it again.” And looking back, I’m glad I experienced consensual sex with them because I knew my birthday wasn’t right. The stare into my soul when they were performing oral sex? Yeah that never happened again. Were they trying to see if I would wake up? I’m not sure. But me being violated happened..again.

On November 25th 2022, we went to dinner at Yardbird and stayed at the SLS hotel. I told them we need to stop seeing each other because it’s wrong. Feelings and love is wrong. Open marriage or not. We both agreed. But let’s just end the chapter with a bang? Eh I knew I was wrong for that. Toxic. I knew I was wrong for still seeing them now that their wife took back the consent she gave. I take full accountability for my actions, but the feeling like you owe me was present in my mind while developing love for them. Remember, their grandma is dying. Their marriage is failing. They’re going through a lot too.

We started fooling around but something was said that made me uncomfortable. I don’t want to give too much away because I would be exposing the gender. However, it was enough to make me rollover and say “I don’t want to share my body with you anymore.” I had my robe on and passed out. They woke me up but where the fuck was my robe? I looked around and noticed it was on their side of the room on a chair. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! They said they had to go and started to try to kiss me. I just cried. I didn’t know why I was crying. Was it because they were leaving? Or worse, was it because I was violated again…

I never brought the “robe” thing up to them. They said they were smelling my vagina while I was sleeping. Weird. I kept asking them to walk me through my birthday night and the SLS hotel. Their accounts did not make sense to me but I chose to believe them. I was blacked out so I only had their side of the story.

Not only did I feel physically used and violated but emotionally too. Even though I was the one who cut it off after their birthday in December, they left me heartbroken and confused while they went back to their wife like nothing ever happened. They still wanted to plan a trip to Maryland with me. They still wanted to spend time with me when I get my apartment. But I knew all that was wrong so it had to be cut off.

I felt guilty for developing feelings and love for a married person but I also wanted to know the whole truth. They contacted me again after I said don’t contact me. I got frustrated. I called them and said, “you can either tell your wife the whole story and we can be friends or you can go on about your lie and we can never speak.” They were so rude with me to the point where I sent their wife a DM to find out the whole truth but instantly unsent it. It wasn’t my place. However, Casey told their wife that I trauma dumped on them and that they had anxiety. Their wife called me and said they never saw the DM. They asked me to tell them everything.

I found out that Casey lied about their wife knowing this whole time. They never knew anything or gave any consent from the beginning. I described the first time “we had sex” and even their wife was screaming, “OH MY GOD.” That scream woke me up. I needed to hear that scream because that wasn’t sex. That was rape. I went black the rest of the phone call. I just remember their wife crying, me apologizing over and over again and getting angry with more lies unveiled. I went to the grocery store and got a bottle. I got drunk. I just laid in my bed and cried.

Their wife and I talked in the DMs. I gave her evidence of us having an emotional relationship and us saying we loved each other because Casey was lying on me. At first, the conversation started out amicably. But then, it got weird. I told her I was wrapping my brain around being sexually assaulted. I only had Casey’s word on what happened. Now I realize, their word can’t be trusted. Casey’s wife said those classic lines: “I’m not going to tell you what you’ve experienced but I’m sure it was a misunderstanding. I know Casey’s heart. They have been sexually assaulted before.” Huh?! Wasn’t R. Kelly raped before he became the rapist? Often times, rapists have been abused before. That doesn’t automatically absolve them from being the abuser. She then proceeded to get upset with me when I was trying to “bond.” FYI, If you ever find yourself in this position, don’t try to bond. I was drunk. I basically said Casey hasn’t been good to the both of us. Casey lets people criticize your looks and compared them to mine and criticize my ingrown hair in front of them. No defense at all. Their wife took it as if I am manipulating the situation and that I’m also lying. At this point, I did not owe Casey any loyalty because they violated and lied to me over and over again. However, I also realized Casey’s wife is going to believe whatever she wants to believe. If she wants to stay married to a liar and an abuser, that’s her choice. I could never stay married to someone accused of rape. The thought would make me sick to my stomach. I apologized for my role because it was wrong. At the same time, I wasn’t going to let them use me as their punching bag. Now that I know the truth, I had to put ME first.

I tried my hardest to rack my brain to figure out what happened (and still do) but I know that this person is a liar and a manipulator. I know this person raped me. I knew I had to “do the right thing” and report it. And I did.

The police DRILLED me. I had to explain our whole situationship and be honest with everything. They straight up asked, “Is this revenge? Do you love them? How many times did you have sex since?” No, it’s not revenge. I’m horrified. Yes, at the time, I loved them. And we only had sex like 3-4 times. Our connection was 95% more emotional. With my story and the little evidence I had (a text conversation of me explicitly saying I do NOT remember consenting to sex on my birthday), they decided to file and assign to a detective. It’s still an open investigation. The report will be sent the DA’s office and they will have a record of “Casey”. Will they be arrested and tried in court? Probably not. The statistics are against survivors without a rape kit. I saved my underwear and dress for weeks in the bottom of my hamper when it happened. But, I came to the conclusion that “they would never do something like that.” I regret not getting that rape kit. However, there’s a record of reporting so if Casey does it again, the next person will have it easier. They should be scared to rape again.

I reported to TGS, where I met “Casey”. They said they were troubled by my account and asked me personal details of my life. I obliged but till this day, I feel like I got fooled. I learned that companies protect themselves and not the workers. I should have noticed the first time I was in a HR dispute with them but that’s life.

I did the “right” thing by reporting my acquaintance rape regardless of our consensual relationship but let me say this…

Reporting is not fucking easy. Let me repeat: REPORTING IS NOT FUCKING EASY. So if you never reported a rape, don’t feel bad about yourself. It is fucking hard telling the story, waiting for some type of accountability and getting nothing.

Just yesterday, March 31st, I went into full on investigator mode. I went to the apartment complex to see the footage from that night. I went to my old company to see if they still worked there. I even tried to contact Casey to see their reaction. They were flustered and hung up. I sent them messages from different numbers. I wanted answers, so badly. “What happened? What did you do? Did you know that was wrong? I’m going to post my story, do you have anything to say for yourself?” I went a little crazy but rape is crazy thing to understand. As long as you’re not assaulting someone, there’s no right way to heal from it. But, ultimately sent an email describing the trauma they put me through. I don’t think I will ever try to confront them again. Sometimes, I wish it was legal for the police to stand there while I beat the shit out of them. But, it’s not legal. And spiritually speaking, vengeance is for God and not for me. I don’t want a physical assault case. Do I think they give af that they raped me once and sexually assaulted me twice? No. But if they have a heart and a soul, they would think twice before putting someone else through this much trauma.

I got offered through my lawyer to submit my story to LA times since I didn’t want to go through with a lawsuit. However, that’s a lot for me to do. I feel like that will traumatized me further.

I do like standing up for myself. I do like sharing my story. I want to help other people who have been through this. I don’t give a fuck if people think I’m lying or doing this out of revenge because I still “love” them (GROSS). So this blog is my start.

If you were raped by someone you know and you loved, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The nightmares. The flashbacks. The insomnia. The cost of therapy. The loss of appetite or binge eating. The throwing up. The calling out of work or school. The feeling like no one cares. The letting go of mutual friends because you’re triggered. The state of silence you find yourself in. Feeling like you’re going crazy. Feeling like you’re healing then BOOM, anger, rage, pain hits like you nothing has healed.

Sometimes, I feel like “Casey” took the light from me. The thing that makes me sparkle. I feel like I’m in darkness. I’m alive but I’m dying inside. However, I don’t want to give them that much power. I know that the acquittances I lost due to fits of rage, sadness and isolation will be regained through real friendships. I know I will never forget what “Casey” did to me but it will hurt less and less through time. I know the blessings will come. I know I will love again in a healthier way. I know God will restore my light. I know, I will be okay.